Setting aims (or goals) refers to the ability to conceptualise in specific terms not only what you want, but also how to get there. Being able to translate desires into aims is the way of fulfilling them. We will consider here the purpose of aims, how to formulate them, and some other related issues, including flexibility.

The purpose of aims

The main purpose of aims is to give us a sense of direction. Without them it is easy to become indifferent and let events dictate our course. Setting your goal is also the first step towards realisation. A goal creates an inner tension as there is a difference between where you are and where you want to be. A tendency to resolve that tension enables the goal to become a driving force, to pull you in a particular direction. Not only do aims increase motivation and persistence, but they also have a positive effect on attention, information processing, remembering, and performance. This is because a clear aim enables you to be selective and focus your energy. Furthermore, research indicates that ‘having valued goals and experiencing progress in goal pursuit are vital to our subjective well-being’.(1) The aim, though, is different from the reward. Reaching an aim provides satisfaction because the action has been accomplished, which may, but does not need to, bring an advantage or reward. In other words, crossing a finishing line is one thing; getting a medal for doing so is another.

Staying on track: when you feel that you are losing your sense of direction, self-guided imagination can help to focus your mind on your aim again: for example, you can imagine that you are heading in a boat towards the light-house, or aiming and shooting at a target. This does not need to take long, just a few moments can be enough.

Gratification is important for our psychological and physical equilibrium. However, gratifying some desires or the way we do so may not actually be desirable. Furthermore, immediate gratification is not always appropriate. So this area will focus on how to be more in charge of this aspect of your life.

Gratification control

Allowing the urge for gratification to control us has many negative consequences (e.g. reduced freedom, distorted priorities, disregard for others). As external and internal factors can be implicated in this, we need to maintain some control over both:

• Circumstances: our gratification urge can be affected by circumstances or others. While stable availability and proximity (not available, easily available and always available) do not add to a desire, uncertain availability and proximity can intensify already existing desires, which makes it harder to remain in charge. For example, if somebody you desire is not available at all, easily available or always available your desire is likely to remain the same or even decrease. This is because in the first case you sooner or later give up on them and in the latter cases you can satisfy your desire before it builds up. However, if that person is close and then distant, is sometimes available and sometimes not, your desire may intensify. So, to remain in charge, it is better to reduce uncertainty. For instance, rather than waiting for such a person to turn up or call, make alternative plans (just in case) and get on with life.
• Internal state: greater control is secured if you are fully aware of what you are doing and why. So remember to step back for a moment just before you plunge into satisfying your desire. As well as a sense of control, this will also give you some time to check if you really want something and to what extent.

As the above quote indicates, desires are a hugely important driving force. However, like fire, if not managed, they can easily consume our lives. The Buddhists’ claim that they are source of all suffering may be an exaggeration, but there is no doubt that being plagued by one’s own desires is inimical to being content. We will examine here how we can nurture our desires without letting them get out of control.

Thinking about desires

How you relate to your desires may be a good first step in gaining some control over them. For this purpose, the following questions may help: Do you follow or disregard your desires without question, or do you reflect on them first? Do you feel that you are more in charge of them than they are in charge of you? You can also consider how your immediate desires affect other aspects of yourself and your life. Does the fulfilment of your desires make you do something that goes against your values and beliefs? Would you like to change anything in relation to your desires?

Awareness of desires

Awareness of your desires is the first step in being more in charge in this respect. Rather than trying to block, hide or push desires aside, this requires bringing them to the surface and admitting to yourself (if not necessarily to others) that you have them. In other words, you have to be honest with yourself. This does not mean giving importance to every fleeting whim (they could just be insubstantial internal ‘provocations’). Generally though, it is better to acknowledge your desires even if you are not pleased with them. Reoccurring or intense desires will not go away if you try to suppress or ignore them. Once they are out in open, you can do something about them. But before we focus on what can be done, we need first to distinguish between two types of desires.

The focus of this area is on the process of making decisions and on our faculties that are involved in that process. Before going further though, it may be useful to pick a decision you need to make (e.g. ‘shall I go out tonight or stay in and do some work?’) and test how each of the following points can be applied in your case.

The paradox of choice

There is a paradox between choice and its realisation: we are free to choose, but making a choice inevitably leads to renouncing choice – for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating other options. For example, let’s say you have £50 to buy a pair of shoes. You have a choice of probably thousands of shoes to buy for this money. However, once you make your decision and buy a pair, effectively you have said ‘no’ to all the others. Not surprisingly, the possibility of making a wrong choice can become a burden and raise anxiety. This can affect the capacity to tolerate a ‘pre-decision’ state, which may lead to either impulsiveness or procrastination; let’s see how we can address these two.

How to avoid rushing into decisions

Rushing into decisions may quickly reduce anxiety, but it may also lead to regrets later on, so it is important to be able to tolerate uncertainty for a while. To achieve this, it is useful to put the fear of ‘wrong’ decisions in perspective: regardless of circumstances, each possibility gives us an opportunity to gain and lose something. Learning from a ‘wrong’ decision can sometimes be more valuable than the gains from a ‘right’ decision. So, although some choices may be better than others, the decisions are usually not black and white, and regardless of whatever choice you have made, there will be some challenges and opportunities ahead.