Influence is unavoidable – most interactions involve small or big influences (e.g. a shop-assistant may influence thoughts, your choices or even your mood). There are many ways of influencing each other though. To make sense of it all, we need to consider various types of influence. Influences can be intentional and unintentional. Unintentional ones are common – for example, you may be influenced by a celebrity even if she had no intention of influencing you. However, we will focus here on intentional ones. There are two types of such influences: instrumental and intrinsic.

Instrumental and intrinsic influences

Instrumental influences are concerned with immediate goals rather than with the persons involved or long-term outcomes. They can be covert (manipulations through sweet talk, flirtation, emotional blackmail, teasing, hints, etc.) or overt (coercions by orders, threat, punishment, or reward). Covert influences are almost never justified (except perhaps if in danger or on a spy mission). Overt influences too are not desirable, but they may sometimes be necessary as a last resort: for example, when there is no time for explaining, when somebody behaves contrary to their better judgment or to what was agreed, or when somebody refuses to engage with or consider rational arguments. These are some common tell-tale signs of instrumental influence:

• the nature of delivery is emphasised over the content (e.g. shouting, whining, being overly friendly, etc.)
• using emotional language rather than reasoning
• appealing to one’s weaknesses (e.g. flattery)
• bringing up unrelated issues

This type of influence is quite common but its effects are usually superficial and short term. It also runs the risk of creating an even stronger resistance, so let’s consider another type of influence.

Although we have much in common, everybody is a different, separate individual, with our own distinctive set of characteristics and life experiences. So individuality is a given, and this area will focus on factors that restrict its actualisation: copying others, conformity, being self-conscious and trying to please others.

Copying

Copying others may be useful when learning new skills. However, copying the manners or appearance of somebody else with the hope that some of their essence will rub off on us, is misleading at the very least. Copying another may temporarily increase your self-esteem but it requires suppressing your individuality, which creates an inner conflict and diminishes self-respect. To copy means, in a way, giving up your own life, losing yourself. So, even if you achieve a desired goal but alienate yourself in the process, you won’t enjoy it because you will not be there but somebody else’s copy. Everybody has their own way, and what has worked for one person may not work for another. Copying doesn’t work with others either; an imperfect original is usually more valued than even a successful copy of a masterpiece.

Conformity

Conformity refers to compliance with the attitudes, behaviour, dress code etc. of a group. Where conformity dominates, individual judgments tend to converge and group norms become a relatively permanent frame of reference. This can be a result of the need for security and approval, or just simple laziness. Another powerful force towards conformity is the feelings of separateness and anxiety that showing individuality may bring. These feelings may be experienced not only by those who do not conform, but also by the rest of the group, who may fear for the cohesiveness of the group. Individuality, however, does not need to be a threat to, or create a conflict with, the society or group. It doesn’t mean being egocentric, but accepting that you are, like everybody else, somewhat different, and allowing yourself (and others) to be so. Valuing what we share does not preclude respecting what we don’t. In fact, individuality may add something worthwhile to the group. What stands in the way of the above is peer pressure.