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3. Personal Change

3. Personal Change

The Master said, only the wisest and the most stupid do not change.
Confucius (early Chinese philosopher)

This area is not about changing your job, wallpaper, country or partner – it is about changing yourself; in other words, your habitual cognitive, emotional and behavioural patterns.

What do you want to change?

Being able to make a personal change is essential. So this chapter will be very practical and to get the most out of it, it may be a good idea to start by thinking about something that you would like to change. Choose something small because this increases your chances of success and confidence. Define what you want to achieve in simple, clear and positive terms (for example, rather than aiming to lose weight, aim to be fit or to look good).

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’, ‘I want’ and ‘I like’ are three conditions for successful change. If all three are present, you can hardly fail!

Prerequisites for successful change

‘I can’: we are all capable of both failing and succeeding. If you believe that you can’t change, it is true; if you believe that you can, it is also true. To strengthen ‘I can’, think about successful changes that you have made in the past. If you can’t remember any, just consider that if others can change, you can change too.

‘I want’: you need to believe that the change is worth your time and effort. Filling in this table can help you make it clear:

2. Relating to Oneself

2. Relating to Oneself

Paradoxically, change seems to happen when you have abandoned the chase after what you want to be (or think you should be) and have accepted – and fully experienced – what you are.
Janette Rainwater (American psychotherapist)

In this area we will consider the two basic attitudes we can have towards ourselves: acceptance and rejection. Shame and guilt are closely related to these attitudes, so they are addressed too.

Acceptance and rejection

These are common signs of acceptance and rejection:

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

SELF-REJECTION
  • Being self-aware
  • Feeling ok about a part of yourself that you don’t like
  • Being open about it
  • Being cool about it
  • Feeling confident even if not perfect
  • Being relaxed
  • Being at peace with yourself
  • Being in denial
  • Feeling ashamed or embarrassed
  • Trying to hide it
  • Hating or being afraid of it
  • Feeling insecure even when there is no good reason
  • Being tense
  • Being in conflict with yourself

Why acceptance is better

Accepting yourself is better than rejecting because we can’t get away from ourselves. Rejection doesn’t make the rejected part disappear; its influence only shifts to the subconscious level and in that way often grows. It also creates an inner conflict that is unpleasant and energy consuming. As Freud noticed a long time ago, not only is the initial act of repressing effortful, but continuous energy is needed to keep the rejected suppressed. On the other hand, acceptance enables you to reduce inner conflicts, and build security and confidence. It is also the basis of personal integrity. And let’s not forget that those who accept themselves are more likely to be accepted by others too.

1. Self-awareness

1. Self-awareness

Turn inward for your voyage! For all your arts you will not find the Stone in foreign parts.
Angelus Silesius (17c mystic and poet)

Self-awareness is the first area because it is a foundation for all the other areas. Yet, if it is so important, why are we not all already very self-aware? This is because there are some challenges that fog our self-awareness. What they are and methods to overcome them are suggested below.

Self-ignorance (‘I can’t be bothered’)

It is tempting to ignore our inner world as many other things call for our attention; but self-awareness matters for several reasons:

  • The better you know yourself, the more you can be in charge of your life. Imagine you find yourself in a land you know nothing about. You are likely to feel lost. But the more you learn about that land, the better you can navigate through it. The same applies to the landscape of your mind. If you want to take control, you need to know what is going on in
    there.

  • Ignoring your inner processes does not make them disappear – you are just less able to influence them.

  • Self-awareness can help you assess a situation more accurately (e.g. you may recognise that your desires or preferences in a particular situation are affecting your judgement).

  • Self-awareness can also help you form realistic expectations, which reduces disappointments (e.g. you may realise that you are not in the best frame of mind to win a game).

  • Understanding yourself can help you understand others too; for example, understanding why you get angry in some situations may help you understand why others get angry too.

  • Self-awareness can also help your development – you will know what direction to take and what you need to work on.

  • It is interesting! Our inner world can be as rich as our external one, so a life without self-awareness is impoverished and can make you more dependent on external stimulation.

Formative Group

Formative Group PDF This is the first group in the model, and the root group of the Personal category (see Groups). It consists of four areas that define the way we perceive, interact with, and shape ourselves, which is why it is called formative. Let’s see what the...

The Map

The Map

Life experience is very complex and diverse. So, how can a model that may have a practical use be created?

Obviously, this complexity needs to be somehow simplified without losing its essential elements. One way of doing this is to locate common denominators of our experience, the underlying
building blocks that life events are made of (for example, feelings, thinking, decision making, motivation, basic types of relationships etc.).

This has several advantages:

  • First of all, there are a limited number of such basic areas (whereas there are an unlimited number of life situations and experiences that combine them), so it is manageable.
  • We cannot deal successfully with complex issues if their underlying components are not addressed. Take, for example, smoking. Developing this habit depends on many factors such as our
    relationship to pleasure, self-discipline, susceptibility to influence, stability, gratification and so on. If there is just one weak link, it is unlikely that one can be in control of
    the habit.
  • Finally, these basic areas enable endless combinations that can be applied in any situation, so everybody can use them in a way that fits his or her personality and circumstances.

Several criteria are used to locate these areas. They are all:

  • Universal: they need to play a role in our lives regardless of culture, faith or gender, so that they are relevant to everybody.
  • Irreducible: they cannot be reduced to each other. This helps with keeping their number manageable and avoiding overlaps.
  • Transferable: the knowledge and skills associated with them can be applied in a wide range of situations.

These areas, of course, do not exist independently; they relate to each other. So, in addition, each of them must have its place within an overall structure – a map of the territory. The
following explanation of how such a map can be created may seem in some places a bit complicated, but it is worth persisting. Understanding the map will enable you to be more creative in
using it and to discover connections that are meaningful for you.

Copyright

PWBC (Personal Well Being Centre)
United Kingdom

Copyright

PWBC (Personal Well Being Centre)
United Kingdom

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